Category: Life Pursuit
I recently had a dream. I dreamt I’d come alone with a blue suitcase in a hotel. I don’t remember exactly where this hotel was, but I knew I should stay there for some reason. While the porter was taking my bag to his room, the receptionist gave me an Embratur file to fill out. When I gave it back, he said:
Mr. Marcus? You’re being expected.
What do you mean, I thought. nobody knew I was coming here. The journey was impulsive. I asked the receptionist:
Am I being expected? By whom?
By yourself. Room 1603.
I don’t know why, but in the dream I didn’t find it so absurd to be expected by myself.
Strangely, I took the elevator without thinking of anything. Meeting myself would be a rather strange thing, but I wasn’t too worried about it.
I put the card in the door and went into the room without knocking. I saw an old man sitting on the bed, looking down. He must have been over 70. He wore glasses and white hair. From the same door I said:
Hey, i’m sorry.
He raised his head and looked in my direction, without speaking. He took a piece of paper that was next to him on the bed and reached out towards me. I got the paper. It was a suicide note. I don’t remember exactly what was written; just the last sentence: “At the end of the day, just lego the nothing to anyone”.
– Why is that?
I’m done with life. I made this appointment with you so you wouldn’t do what I did.
What do you mean, you don’t know?
He started talking and I felt a vertigo. As I passed out, I woke up sweaty in my bed.
On Saturday you forced me to remember something. Something I’d forgotten and that, therefore, no longer mattered. And this thing wasn’t the scroll lock function.
22 months ago and one day I sent an email (des?) necessary and (only now I see) somewhat cruel to you. And I had completely forgotten this email by Saturday. On this day you reminded me of his existence, but not of his exact contents. I got it back yesterday and saw that it was worse than I thought.
At first I found it shocking what I had written. But I tried to remember the circumstances in which the e-mail was made. And a succession of memories, good and bad, came back to me. I read, reread and read again for the third time and, despite the cruelty contained in it, the almost gratuitousness of the aggression contained there, I found it necessary.
Necessary because he, modesty aside, is well written. He makes it very clear what feelings I had. It’s a kind of exorcism, something I needed to say to someone and i ended up finding the receiver and the way to do it. It was very hard to write and it must have been even harder for you, who read it. But I needed this. I needed to say everything that was stuck. As the Belle and Sebastian would say at the end of Get Me Away From Here, I’m Dying,
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
“This is no declaration,
I just thought I’d let you know goodbye”
Said the hero in the story
“It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words”
I could kill you for sure, but I could just make you cry with these words.
And that’s what I did. No regrets. So unrepentant that I couldn’t remember what I had written. If you hadn’t reminded me, the e-mail would have remained forever quiet, untouched. I don’t feel bad about anything I wrote.
So that was it. Now that I’ve reread the contents of the three printed pages (and I’ve noticed that at some points I was really right), I’m more relaxed. It was horrible things, yes, but none of that was a lie. Some things have changed, but let’s stay the way we are. It’s better that way.
To complement, St. Augustine, in The Free Will:
Anyway, there’s only guilt in case one being refuses to be what he had the power to be if he wanted to. And because then it’s about refusing a good that’s been given to you, the soul becomes guilty.
Officially, I went on vacation on December 31, which was the last day of validity of the scholarship that Rigotto (aka State Government) paid me. But since 12:06 on December 13th, I haven’t really worked. I had to submit a report of my scholarship activities to FAPERGS. I delivered, of course, but it was made entirely on the thighs, pure copy and paste of previous years.
After I stopped going to college the Friday before Christmas, the thing went off for good. In the last 24 days I just wanted to date, play video games, use the PC, read, eat, drink and sleep.
But today it’s over. During the morning my Java course started and, if I really want to finish my final project, I’ll have to start acting a little more seriously. Besides, I want to finish my Master’s degree by March next year. So I have to start reminiscing about my research as soon as possible so I can get back to working on it. I have a new theorem to deliver next year. Or rather, I have to come up with a new theorem to deliver next year.
But back to java, I did my first show today. It is a calculator that sums, subtracts, multiplies, divides, potentiates and data two catetos of a right triangle, returns the hypotenuse. Note that it is a totally excellent program, useful and indispensable on any modern computer.
Today I also began to remember Probability. I got Patrick Billingsley’s book Probability and Measure. I have a job to give about him. I’ve been putting it off for two years. But until February I finish (I hope).
And so my vacation went on. Total and uninterrupted loitering. And amazingly, I could still last a few more weeks like this.